Hmmmm … where do I begin, because I just need to begin …
I was recently tempted to change the signature in my email; I use my current life or year verse and a quote from Jennifer Rothschild that I found years ago and absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE.
“Your honor and value come neither from what you do nor from others’ opinions. You are honored because God has touched you with His presence, promise and provision. When His eyes look on you, you are bathed in honor”
Back to the scripture, I will come across a scripture that just speaks to me in that season of my life.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)
And it did and does, but life circumstances change and it gets hard, especially that last part. In the time that I had noticed this verse, it was a time of struggle too. It was a different kind of struggle and I cannot even remember now. (So I will note to self, journal with more details)
The current struggle changes my life in a physical way, I found out a little while ago that I have uterine/endometrial cancer. Which means the only option for me is to remove my uterus and call it a day. I am not married and did not plan on ever having more children, however to lose that ability naturally would be easier to handle. To lose that to cancer seems so unnatural and what do I do with that.
I was never a person who admitted to having dreams, it is hard to keep up a protective barrier in my life and be vulnerable at the same time. You see the contradiction there. In my recovery journey God has done some funny things, the revealing of dreams / hearts desires. I was never a child that planned out a wedding or even saw where a marriage fit into my life. Trust me when I say that my daughter was such a God plan and not mine.
In this last year I have just had this desire to be married, I know took me by surprise too. I wasn’t sure what God was trying to point out but I wasn’t really sure I liked to admit that somewhere really deep was a desire to have a man that could take care of me and share my life with. So when I got this news I was/am angry at God. I didn’t want to know I had this dream but then to have that dream changed in a way I certainly would not have wanted. I want to be part of a “normal” family ~ the white picket fence … etc. I wanted it the way my mind saw it, no deviation.
Then my counselor pointed out that I seem to be attributing this “taking” from my life to be from God. That is when she pointed out this verse:
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ~ John 10:10-11 (NIV)
Then she asked me to explain my position that my cancer was of God rather than the targeted hit that I had just identified. My thought process is, God grants miracles every day. Healing that even doctors define as miracles, so why this now? I do not understand how God chooses the miracle process, if I look back over my life and the situations I have been in I can see His fingerprints all over my life. What I am going through doesn’t change my love or faith in my Father. This is just one of those times where I would like to get an advanced copy of how this story plays out.
I am not saying that I cannot get married or that my future husband will not have children of his own or that adopting is not an option. It just looks differently than what my dream was. This grieving process that I am going through is healthy, before the recovering Tammy I would have thrown myself into one of my addictions and denied the dream ever existed. There is progress and I know God is bigger than my anger. Right now we are creating another hallway that has fingernails down the length of it, but I know God is good and has a perfect plan for my life.