Category Archives: Random Thought
Nico: But first, we gotta bust you out!
Pedro: Yeah! I’m a pop that cage open like a soda can.
[Pedro tries desperately to break the metal bar on the cage Blu’s in]
Blu: No! No! That’s okay.
[Pedro, exhausted, stops pounding the metal bar]
Nico: You call that poppin”?
Pedro: Wooh! This thing’s robust!
Blu: No! No! No! Guys, really! I’m fine. The cage is great. Love the cage.
Nico: Oh, well. Suit yourself.
I was out a little while ago, without Jasmyn, and this was the only thing that fit into the timing I had available.
I thoroughly enjoyed it, not looking for anything but to check out for a little bit of time. The news of my cancer and diabetes was fresh and I just wanted to go someplace else.
Within a few minutes of the opening credits there was a divine appointment that was delivered from the mouth of a blue talking bird on a screen. I love how God uses the ordinary to speak into me. I was cracking up because it was so cute and then I heard the whisper in my heart that said “How often are you here” and “how many times have I delivered you from there”. Up until the last few years of my life, before I started the recovery process, I LOVED MY CAGE and the addictions and hang ups that constructed it. I know where my cage is (I would like to think that means the door is open) and when I am getting ready walk back in and celebrate in it.
I have had a lot of time to just meditate on the good things God has blessed me with since that little appointment and I am grateful for a spiritual family that blesses my socks off when I need it and don’t know it. I have loved the lighthouse along the way back home, as their faces roll through my mind I am reminded of the strongholds they helped me through. Provision in this time of uncertainty. I am grateful for the peace that has come into my life as a result of the people who have taught me other ways to handle anger and disappointment. I don’t always get them right and I have not always been perfect in application process. However as a result there is less insanity in my life. No my circumstances haven’t changed overnight, I am learning how to lean into God in my uncertainty because He is by far more faithful to me than I have been to him.
A little while after I saw that I read this in a study I was doing:
Our experience with abandonment and unwanted change are crisis moments when we must decide whether or not to leave behind the life that is gone forever. We can do that only if we believe in the ongoing creativity of God, who brings light and beauty to the dark chaos of our losses in life. ~ Craig Barnes (When God Interrupts)
Do you know your cage, do your bars have names as well?
Hmmmm … where do I begin, because I just need to begin …
I was recently tempted to change the signature in my email; I use my current life or year verse and a quote from Jennifer Rothschild that I found years ago and absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE.
“Your honor and value come neither from what you do nor from others’ opinions. You are honored because God has touched you with His presence, promise and provision. When His eyes look on you, you are bathed in honor”
Back to the scripture, I will come across a scripture that just speaks to me in that season of my life.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)
And it did and does, but life circumstances change and it gets hard, especially that last part. In the time that I had noticed this verse, it was a time of struggle too. It was a different kind of struggle and I cannot even remember now. (So I will note to self, journal with more details)
The current struggle changes my life in a physical way, I found out a little while ago that I have uterine/endometrial cancer. Which means the only option for me is to remove my uterus and call it a day. I am not married and did not plan on ever having more children, however to lose that ability naturally would be easier to handle. To lose that to cancer seems so unnatural and what do I do with that.
I was never a person who admitted to having dreams, it is hard to keep up a protective barrier in my life and be vulnerable at the same time. You see the contradiction there. In my recovery journey God has done some funny things, the revealing of dreams / hearts desires. I was never a child that planned out a wedding or even saw where a marriage fit into my life. Trust me when I say that my daughter was such a God plan and not mine.
In this last year I have just had this desire to be married, I know took me by surprise too. I wasn’t sure what God was trying to point out but I wasn’t really sure I liked to admit that somewhere really deep was a desire to have a man that could take care of me and share my life with. So when I got this news I was/am angry at God. I didn’t want to know I had this dream but then to have that dream changed in a way I certainly would not have wanted. I want to be part of a “normal” family ~ the white picket fence … etc. I wanted it the way my mind saw it, no deviation.
Then my counselor pointed out that I seem to be attributing this “taking” from my life to be from God. That is when she pointed out this verse:
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ~ John 10:10-11 (NIV)
Then she asked me to explain my position that my cancer was of God rather than the targeted hit that I had just identified. My thought process is, God grants miracles every day. Healing that even doctors define as miracles, so why this now? I do not understand how God chooses the miracle process, if I look back over my life and the situations I have been in I can see His fingerprints all over my life. What I am going through doesn’t change my love or faith in my Father. This is just one of those times where I would like to get an advanced copy of how this story plays out.
I am not saying that I cannot get married or that my future husband will not have children of his own or that adopting is not an option. It just looks differently than what my dream was. This grieving process that I am going through is healthy, before the recovering Tammy I would have thrown myself into one of my addictions and denied the dream ever existed. There is progress and I know God is bigger than my anger. Right now we are creating another hallway that has fingernails down the length of it, but I know God is good and has a perfect plan for my life.